Reconnecting

In anger and pain
I banished from my mind
The name and shape of you.
I snuffed out all hope
I allowed malice and spite to grow
And then just like that,
I killed all feelings good and bad
Until you no longer lived in my mind.

Years came and years went
But you had stolen shelter
In the shadows of my mind.
In fleeting moments
You showed yourself to me.
But by then,
No emotions were felt:
No anger, no pain
No malice or spite.
You were just another face
In the sea of faces lost in my mind.

Then one day,
Unexpected and true to form
You emerged out of the shadows
And into my life.
A living breathing form,
Seeking reconnection
Stretching a hand out
In supplication.

Emotions once again flooded me.
Not anger, not pain
Nor malice, nor spite
This time,
Tears of relief flooded my eyes.
For things were made clear to me,
Things I dreaded to believe
Things that you admitted to
Things that soothed my heart,
Giving me hope to trust in you once more.

But wisdom and caution
Voiced restraint
And now like two strangers 
Connecting for the first time
We try once again
To attain some sort
Of father daughter relationship
That is stable if only in name.

The Joys of an Insomniac!

As I spend another sleepless night tossing and turning and watching the shadows chase each other across the roof of my room, swirling and melting creating a halo above my bed, the quiet hum of the sparse traffic whizzing past my window adds to the medley of my insomniac night.

Soon I’ll be joined by my night time friend who will keep me company as I waste the night away. For really what else can a hopelessly antisocial and secretively obsessive compulsive person suppose to do? Sure there is reading but really the last thing I need is to be further lost in my mind and fantasy.

 “So what now,” asks my night time friend? Yes only I can bore even my night time friend who by the way is currently faceless. I usually add a face to the person I talk to in my head. You’d probably be concerned that I’m showing signs of craziness but rest assured that I’m not it’s just another of my weird quirks. And yes I’m a little on the weird side but I like to think that is what makes me unique. I quite frankly don’t care what others think.

Now back to my night time friend. It doesn’t have a name because well then I’d actually be crazy. But it keeps me company as I forever try to catch the ever elusive sleep. I share many adventures with my night time friend until somewhere along the way sleeps decides to be merciful and return to me. There are times when I don’t have my night time friend to keep me company at those times I pass the time either reading or turning to mush whatever remaining brain molecules I have by watching television.

Luckily tonight I have my night time friend who’s now bored because I’m captivated by the display on my bedroom roof. Truth be told though I not sure I am able with this routine anymore. And that is basically what it is.

I come home after whatever kind of day I had and count down the hours to bed time by either reading or watching television. I could call a friend but I honestly do not have the sustenance to keep up with whatever it is they are saying.

The conversation would eventually become one sided with me putting in the appropriate “Hmmm”, “Oh okay”, “I don’t know...” or some other very basic very typical reply that suggests I’m paying keen attention and not thinking of ways to get off the phone without being offensive.

By this time I’ve eventually come with an excuse about how I’m needed by my mother; I really don’t know how to say I don’t want to talk anymore. So you see calling the handful of people I call friends is dreadfully consuming for me.

At this early in the evening I don’t summon my night time friend, like I said I’m not crazy and since we talk in my head and that requires a lot of concentration as well, I wait until I am in bed trying to lure sleep my way. In the meantime I’m at home with my family who most time I’d rather be away from. The bedlam that a mother, one pre pubescent and a toddler cause is enough to really send someone crazy.

Alas, that is how I spend my nights. Tip toeing on the verge of insanity and losing myself in fantasy. Of course there are those unholy lengthy nights when I die a thousand deaths from boredom. And to come full circle I end up on my bed again losing myself in the intricate play of shadow on my bedroom roof, boring my night time friend and thinking of ways to convince sleep to grant me the reprieve of a good night’s sleep. Oh the joys of an insomniac!

The Million Dollar Question

There we were looking into each others eyes.

He held me and I held him

As the moon climbed higher in the sky.

While the wind rustled the leaves in the trees

I could only see him and he me.

The tension seeped into the room,

Mounting, establishing its presence

Three now in a room where two once stood

But I saw only him and he me.

Perhaps this could be,

For surely she held me tightly.

Then perhaps a future could be seen, thought he.

Tomorrow is just as soon for us to know

Thought I, holding tightly still.
Tomorrow we'll know just how far we may go.

The climbing moon peaked the sky
Piercing the cloak of dark that covered the yard.
 And when the wind blew away the clouds
There we were in embrace still
Me clinging to him and he to me.

Neither was prepared to answer
What was so cleverly termed
The million dollar question.
Yet answer we did
But in the tongue of love
In hope that the big question will be ignored.

Perhaps tomorrow we'll see where this thing leads;
Tomorrow perhaps, the answer will be revealed.

Then as the moon moved across the sky in its decent,
Our kiss came to a lingering end.
Yet still I clung to him and he saw only me
And the million dollar question
Remained for now a mystery.

Image Info:
Source: http://www.hurzelercreations.com/
Title: Lover's Embrace II
Artist: Heather Hurzeler