Dark Days Are Here

Silent screams scorch the throat

Acrid air suffocates the lungs

And the tongue becomes numb

With words unspoken

As her dark days start approaching.

There could be solace in the dark abyss

She tells herself.

Except the pain keeps her alive

And her tears never rain

Because sunshine smiles keeps

Intruders at bay.

To share her misery

She secretly dreams.

Only who would care?

Questions in her mind scream.

Keep the monsters at bay

And the darkness is unseen

A mantra chanted but never believed.

The dark days are here

And as she walks among the light

Torment eats her inside.

Mocked by the happy faces

She draws comfort in knowing

Today is her last day.

Hope In the Face of Fear

If I were honest, I would tell you that I am scared of what you make me feel. But instead I look at you and act as cool as a breeze. These feelings are not strange to me for I have felt them all before. What is strange however is the intensity of these feelings I feel for you.

This could be absolutely nothing. This could be absolutely everything. Is there any sure way of knowing? Questions plague my mind as I look to you for some sign except I do not know what I should look for or where to begin.

So giving up on looking for signs I hope in vain. At least I have hope. Surely that is a good thing? I hope that one day I’ll figure it all out. I hope that peace will one day reign. I even hope, secretly, to one day love again.

Yes, I have hope. And if I were honest I’d tell you I’m hoping for the best. It may not be happily ever after but I hope it’s long enough to last forever. Whatever the outcome, be joy or heartache, I’m willing to take. Because honestly, wouldn’t you like to know too what would come of these feeling I harbour for you?

Remember

Here we are again,
Back to the place where it all began.
When you and I first took that chance,
When hope was fresh
And love was strong
And we never believed that it could go so horribly wrong.

Remember the first touch?
It sizzled and ignited the flames.
The tender embers
That later turned a blazing fire.

Remember the first kiss?
Soft and sweet as can be
Now only a bitter after taste lingers in the memory.


Remember the first love we made?
Hot and Steamy,
Nothing could compare to its beauty.

In the heat of the moment
Three sacred words were whispered
And set the stage for tragedy.

Remember the day,
That all signs of love proved to be brittle?
Two years it be,
When you said too little
And I too much
The day I broke my vow.

I'm Back!

I haven't blogged in...in a very long time. But I've been inspired to take up the cause again because really what else can I do in the morning when no one would take my calls?

Ok so maybe it is not really inspiration that has led to my blogging again. A mix of boredom, some time on my hands (yes I'm at work but don't tell anyone) led me to this sight. So I thought I'd provide something for someone out there in blog world to suck on. (Mind you I'm still skeptical that anyone even follows our blog but hey, I'm an optimist!)

Now honestly, I'm stuck! That is why I haven't been blogging much. Really you know it's like I have this period where I write and then I hit these dry spells and no matter how hard I try I can't really think of what to write about.

So now I'm really just rambling on. I'm at work, I have nothing to do (well nothing that I want to do) and I had this great idea for a blog and it went through the window after the second paragraph.

But the point is I'm back to blog world! At this point: Helloooo Raine! Darling how are you doing?
I'm not going to make any flowering promise to blog everyday but I will TRY to blog....as often as I can.

Cherrios!!

Wish of memory loss

Dear Raine:

My life hasn't gotten better since the last time I wrote. Remember those images I told you about? Well, they've not eased off any and I made myself an ass a few hours ago.

I don't know what it is about this guy that makes me throw myself at him. Strange, I know. I am not the sort of woman to do that, I should have too much pride but with him it's as though I forget everything. And what did it take? Just a make out session.

Yes, I must be out of my mind. So as my God brother and our crew clubbed I sat in my corner just thinking of the whole thing. I promised this guy that I would do my best to leave him alone. I also promised him that everything would be alright and that we'd go back to being friends. Yet, I've been telling him how much I miss him and adding all sorts of provocative lines to our conversations. I'm sure I've earned the worst friend of the year award.

Earlier I could not even drink. I had a glass of wine, one light beer, a bottle of water and that was it for me. I felt so guilty about drinking. Yes, yes I know that even you can't believe it. What the hell is happening to me? You think that's bad old friend? Well get this. I admitted to the guy that he was the only one whose lips I wanted against mine and bla, bla, bla. It's needless to say he didn't believe that...what the hell is the happening to me.

Maybe I just imagined those things I think he made me feel. They don't exist. A woman does not get lost when a man touches her. Bullshit. I'll leave him alone for real now. I am not good for him. I am the wrong sort of female for someone like him. When I see him again I'll make sure that he gets his friend back.

I've been praying for him more than myself this last week. I really hope God has been listening. I'm sure that he won't let me corrupt his innocent child. I'm sure that God will protect him from me. Now, well I'm not so sure how to deal with this anymore. The only choice I've left is to forget. I've a wish for memory loss.

Your friend,

who needs divine intervention.

Yesterday

Dear Raine:

I am tired of these images in my head. They make me feel things that aren't right. They make me want, and want and want! I could kill these images. Fucking kill them I tell you!

Do you remember when we were children? Remember how afraid I was of the dark? And how terrified I was of being lost? Well, I could do with some light now. I wouldn't mind a new brain either. Preferably a brain that will refuse to process these fucking images.

And do you remember what a control freak I used to be? Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm still a sucker for control. Well, would you believe I lost it for a few minutes yesterday. Now, I really shouldn't go thinking of yesterday...but Raine, you remember how I could never resist  a chance to beat the boys at anything, well this is like that, I can't resist this particular yesterday.

I pray though, old friend, that I can resist the things in that yesterday.

The image? It's of dark coffee, spiked with rum and a hint of chocolate. You remember that drink? You remember the colour? Well picture that irresistible brew against the golden brown of my breast. Contrast. My image is of contrast. I loved it. I want it. I crave it like I crave our lightly creamed Irish Coffee.

But Raine, that yesterday cannot  be and I am stuck with this image. If the yesterday I cannot resist could be then I'd be lost, I think...but are we ever truly lost?

With much love,

the only woman,

closer to your heart,

than your Rose V

Lost

I'm sitting here in this office. All sorts of thoughts flicker through my mind. The mind - I have long since learnt - is the hardest thing to tame. How do I benefit from all these things rushing through this head of mine?

So it's established that I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. But to what end? Who knows? I think I might be a little lost. Where do I go from here? Where will I be in a couple of years? I know that I can't just sit here and wait for things to happen.

Yet, I just can't seem to move. Lost, lost, lost! I refuse to be!

Dirty Dancing

One, two three,
I sip on this black label whiskey.
Four, five, six,
I begin to shake my hips.
Seven, eight, nine
Slowly we start to grind.

You've got yours
And I've got mine
But in this dance it's just you and I.

One, two three,
I sip on this black label whiskey.
Four, five, six,
I begin to shake my hips.
Seven, eight, nine
Slowly we start to grind.




You behind
Me in front
We bump and grind like no one's around.

You take my hand
And I follow dutifully
Our dirty dancing just got more feisty.
A hand on my waist
As I run mine through your hair
We need to remember this is a public place.

One, two three,
I sip on this black label whiskey.
Four, five, six,
I begin to shake my hips.
Seven, eight, nine
Slowly we start to grind.

Artist: Pedro Alvarez
Piece: Street Dance
Location: http://www.videposters.co.uk/

Oh Raine such enthusiasm!

My dearest Raine,

Oh love your concern warms my heart and the way you have taken care of me keeps me going. I too hate that I have the flu. But we just have to let it run its course and I'll be back to normal.

And darling let your exuberance shine through. You deserve to be happy, happy, happy and if that which cannot be discussed here makes you happy I say dive in, enjoy but do be cautious.

Anyway, I will keep this brief because as you know the cold still has me down. The only thing I seem to be thinking of is my bed and blanket and some cold meds. Why did I think I was well enough to come to work again?

As you know my weekend away was a blast and well can't wait for our weekend out together. I have been too long without spending time with you. Oh and I don't think you'd be that miserable without me.

What I do know is that my life would not be near as exciting as it is with you in it so it is I who am grateful that you're in my life. All the best in your new quest.

Yours Always,
Rose V

Rose V!

Rose, Rose, Rose!

Hell, heck, hell! I am soooooooooooooooooo happy tonight. I guess I'm riding one of my really high highs. This is too personal to discuss here. I'll tell you all about it though.

I'm glad you're back. It sucks that you're home with the flu. I missed you so much today. You know how boring our lives can get without each other. So sorry I didn't come over tonight. You know how work is always getting in my way. Choices...I'm working on making the right ones this year.

So I practiced a few of the things you were telling me about on the phone earlier. Man, did they work. You know, Rose, in so many ways you are the woman behind my success. I don't know what I'd do without you. Well maybe I do know what I'd do without you. I'd be miserable!

This is supposed to be just a short note to you. I want it to serve as a record of just how happy I can be sometimes. Even now I am feeling some of my old bitterness right at the edge of this happiness. I'll deal with it though. Happy, happy, happy! Rose, Rose, Rose! I love you!

Your Raine,

Always.

You

I woke up from a bad dream this morning,
And I thought of you,
Of you I think when I'm mourning,
It's you who always comes to my rescue.

You know how I am then,
How lost I am after sleep,
What I'm like when I weep.

You, you, you!
Everything is you!

Work - The woman God will never make

After complaining to everyone I spoke with last night about how much I missed work I am now convinced that I'm a workaholic.

I guess it's not so bad. If this is how I get my rush then this is just how I get my rush! This morning I slipped out of bed and oh hell did I feel wonderful. Having a sense of purpose is very important to me. Knowing that I make a difference in this world and that I have the power to trigger change keeps me ticking faster than I should.

Oh this is my life! My wonderful life. My life of bliss filled with work. Yes! This is the life.

Work is like the woman God will never make. Work will always be interesting, caring, rewarding and won't ever create a heart in a heartless creature just to break it.

Image Info:

Title: The Perfect Woman

Source: http://www.i26.photobucket.com/

Fuck Different

The game. I've always refused to play it. But then it hit me tonight...maybe I should be playing.

You know every now and then we meet someone and we think they're different? Well, there's no such thing. I was just telling a friend about this. Different. The sort of different I look for, the kind I've seen recently, it'll never manifest in this world.

This world is a cold fucking place but I refuse to be one of the cold people in it. Principles, I live by them. I'll never be in the game but so what? Alone, it's how I survive and trust is the thing with which I am most greedy.

Fuck different.

(You notice how I keep saying fuck everything? That should tell you what sort of writer's moods I've been having!)

Rose V, my love

My sweetest Rose:

Now you know I don't do corny well but I'll try tonight. I'll try for you, my love.

Of course I'll miss you this weekend. Like I told you once before, knowing that the distance is there makes the difference. I'll call you at least twice a day until you're back. I just hope I don't catch you during an interesting moment.

Thank you for loving me so much. You have no idea how it feels to have someone like you love me...or maybe you do. It is you Rose V who has taught me that love isn't something I had imagined and that the fairy-tale-things are worth wanting in life.

Ignoring you...well I've got to know your moods don't I? If I didn't then we wouldn't be this close. I hope we never have a falling out as you put it. In fact, I can assure you that we won't. I'll always know when to back off and give you space to chill.

You know that empty feeling I've complained about? The one that makes me such an attention seeker sometimes? Well you almost fill it, Rose. Now this is my turn to my corny: you make me whole Rose. When I'm with you, my love, I forget the past pains and I remember to live.

I've gotten so much from you Rose that all I can do is love you as much as I can and let you win all the petty fights we have. Anything, anything at all to keep you in my life.

I wish you all the best for the weekend. I hope you'll create some happy memories. Well, I'm not sure how our schedules will go tomorrow. If we manage the time then I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. Most likely, you'll have to drag me out of bed.

Until then, my darling, you'll be close to my heart.

Your Raine,

Now and Forever. Always.

Why I love you

My dearest Raine,

My darling how are you doing my love? Do you realise that I have not written you in a while? Therefore I am going to take this time that I am passing in this office because I don't want to go home to an empty house to tell you why I love you.

I can tell you many things but I feel it is time I publicly announce to the internet world how I feel for you. Although I still am of the belief that not a lot of the internet world follows us.

The first reason I love you is because you indulge pointless letters much like this one. You indulge me my dear like I indulge on chocolate and ice-cream. Now I know that these things are not good for me but isn't that what indulgence is after all?

My dearest this over indulgence of yours brings me to the second reason why I love you. I love the way you ignore me. I know you are probably thinking, "What the f#@$?" (Well you know how I feel about using those dirty words.)

Yes I said ignore. Let me tell you why I love the way you ignore me. Because of your ignorance we have not had any major falling out. You ignore me when I am being a bitch and I ignore you when you're...well I ignore you at times too.The beautiful thing is you already know this.

And the third and final reason I love is because you are going to read this missive smile and tell me that you think it is funny and you like it and so forth and such. When in actuality just like me you are wondering why I even bothered to pen you this. My dear the third reason I love you is because you always find the good in the things I do even if it is hard to find it in the first place.

Well my dearest, since I cannot lie to you, I wrote this seemingly senseless blog for several reasons. Firstly because I will not be around for the weekend and I will miss you terribly and so I want to leave something for you to remember me by regardless of the fact that we will be in contact via the phone the entire time of our separation.

Secondly, and this is the reason why I actually started this corny and crappy piece, because I am here wasting time in the hopes that my date (and for those of you who may be confused, Raine and I have an open relationship) will hurry his ass up so I can leave this place.

This brings me to the end of my note and I wish you all the best my dearest and I really do love you! Hugs and kisses till we meet again.

Write soon,
Yours always,
Rose V

Life - It really can fuck itself

Life is like a woman's breasts. It's all peaks and valleys. A dude told me this today. So I reasoned that if life was all peaks and valleys then it can really fuck itself. Life can just use the peaks to fuck the valleys. But then he pointed out that it was anatomically impossible. Well who the fuck cares if it is? I can do all sorts of things with my imagination!

Kill him?

"You don't want me anymore...kill me, kill me, kill me!"

These are the words she listens to constantly. At least when she's so inclined to answer his calls. Words designed by him to induce guilt, worry, pain and even some amount of mental instability. Years of endurance has taught her how to ignore him, his words and the world if she wants.

Kill him? Now there's a thought she's considered countless times; if only to save him from himself . Kill him? Oh, how she'd love to do jus that. But what of her when he's no longer there?

On days like these

On days like these the only thing I look forward to is my bed, pillow, music and a dark room with a door. I just want to lock myself inside and forget the world outside.

On days like these I am a bitch and I'm always the pessimist refusing to believe that there is anything to believe in. I just want to be alone in a dark room. A room that matches my attitude.


On days like these I think of dying. This is how bad I feel on days like these. Now I don't believe in committing suicide but I do think it would be lovely if I didn't exist. I just want that black nothingness surrounding me much like my bed sheet.

On days like these the only thing I look forward to is my bed, pillow, music and a dark room with a door. I just want to lock myself inside and forget the world outside.

Fear of Intimacy?

I've been told that I'm good with people. I have good people's skills they tell me. And it's a good fucking thing too since I need those skills to do my job.

However, being able to talk people out of information doesn't make me as good with people as everyone seems to think. Hell, I don't even call my mother for fear of disturbing her. A shrink (a relative) told me once that I fear rejection and intimacy. What the fuck?

Fear of rejection? Fear of intimacy? That shrink needs a fucking shrink. I just don't like disturbing people and I certainly don't want to risk being thought of as a pest. Besides, it's the age of technology. So I'm more inclined to text and email. In fact, only the very few people in my personal circle spend any sort of time on the phone with me. I'm a considerate person and I've got manners. So again, fuck you shrink!

Well, I don't my aunt the shrink will be reading this. Well aunty if some wicked cousin or the other sends this to you then all I can say is...I'm not sorry and you can still fuck off!

Image Info:

Source: http://www.seykota.com/

Title: Intimacy

Flash and Burn

It's no secret that I need anger management. It's also no fucking secret that I'd like to....well I'll not say in public just what it is I'd like to do.

My anger is flash and burn. I've had one two many flashed today. I woke up happy this morning. Now it's all fucked up. Ah well...can't always get it my way.

So I'm going home in a few...gonna catch up on some reading and do lots of thinking. I've got a few things I need to really think about. You know how every now and then you find a person you like...well I've found a miserable person that I like. The thing is I barely have enough energy to deal with the things already present in my life so I don't know how I'll handle it.

Sacrifice, that's how we deal with it. I hate that fucking word.