Wish of memory loss

Dear Raine:

My life hasn't gotten better since the last time I wrote. Remember those images I told you about? Well, they've not eased off any and I made myself an ass a few hours ago.

I don't know what it is about this guy that makes me throw myself at him. Strange, I know. I am not the sort of woman to do that, I should have too much pride but with him it's as though I forget everything. And what did it take? Just a make out session.

Yes, I must be out of my mind. So as my God brother and our crew clubbed I sat in my corner just thinking of the whole thing. I promised this guy that I would do my best to leave him alone. I also promised him that everything would be alright and that we'd go back to being friends. Yet, I've been telling him how much I miss him and adding all sorts of provocative lines to our conversations. I'm sure I've earned the worst friend of the year award.

Earlier I could not even drink. I had a glass of wine, one light beer, a bottle of water and that was it for me. I felt so guilty about drinking. Yes, yes I know that even you can't believe it. What the hell is happening to me? You think that's bad old friend? Well get this. I admitted to the guy that he was the only one whose lips I wanted against mine and bla, bla, bla. It's needless to say he didn't believe that...what the hell is the happening to me.

Maybe I just imagined those things I think he made me feel. They don't exist. A woman does not get lost when a man touches her. Bullshit. I'll leave him alone for real now. I am not good for him. I am the wrong sort of female for someone like him. When I see him again I'll make sure that he gets his friend back.

I've been praying for him more than myself this last week. I really hope God has been listening. I'm sure that he won't let me corrupt his innocent child. I'm sure that God will protect him from me. Now, well I'm not so sure how to deal with this anymore. The only choice I've left is to forget. I've a wish for memory loss.

Your friend,

who needs divine intervention.

Yesterday

Dear Raine:

I am tired of these images in my head. They make me feel things that aren't right. They make me want, and want and want! I could kill these images. Fucking kill them I tell you!

Do you remember when we were children? Remember how afraid I was of the dark? And how terrified I was of being lost? Well, I could do with some light now. I wouldn't mind a new brain either. Preferably a brain that will refuse to process these fucking images.

And do you remember what a control freak I used to be? Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm still a sucker for control. Well, would you believe I lost it for a few minutes yesterday. Now, I really shouldn't go thinking of yesterday...but Raine, you remember how I could never resist  a chance to beat the boys at anything, well this is like that, I can't resist this particular yesterday.

I pray though, old friend, that I can resist the things in that yesterday.

The image? It's of dark coffee, spiked with rum and a hint of chocolate. You remember that drink? You remember the colour? Well picture that irresistible brew against the golden brown of my breast. Contrast. My image is of contrast. I loved it. I want it. I crave it like I crave our lightly creamed Irish Coffee.

But Raine, that yesterday cannot  be and I am stuck with this image. If the yesterday I cannot resist could be then I'd be lost, I think...but are we ever truly lost?

With much love,

the only woman,

closer to your heart,

than your Rose V